My Fear

My fear has always driven my life. I have tried to push it aside but it always returns. I wish that my spirit could be as free as I let the world think it is. If they knew how afraid I get they would all laugh at me I know. This fear has grown over the years starting when I was young. After moving out on my own I started to claim my life as my own. Many things I was afraid of I have now over come. Yet when it comes to my heart nothing has changed at all. I can feel strong emotions but when I start to speak the fear tears at my heart with words of pain and hate. It often feels that it is better to know the pain of keeping things in side rather than letting the words out and risk being rejected or put down for feeling the way I do. But now the time has come to push even this fear aside. I know the battle will be a hard one but the love that I have come to know must be told. I fear that the one I love will not feel the same. She has a full and seemingly rich life of her own and probably doesn't need me in it causing trouble. But the feeling she provides to me through her lovely smile, kind words, warm personality, and gentle caring have given me a feeling that I was sure I would never have. To me love is something with many faces. There is the love of animals, the love of a friend, the love of children. All of these are easy for me to express because the love of a friend is rather mild and the love of animals is down right trivial. The love of children is a very strong love but it is one that is easy to see grow on both sides. Children are open to give and receive love and they always find that warm place in my heart. But now I am feeling the love I thought I would never find. I had once hoped that I would find it in my wife but that dream was quickly shattered and because of that, the love we once shared has been damaged and has faded and changed over the years. But now this new person has come into my life. And although I wasn't looking to be in love, I now find myself bathed in the warm feeling. This is a true love for sure. It started as a friendship with no expectations of any kind. Then it grew until she earned a place in my heart that very few have ever reached. She became my best friend. I can tell her anything as long as it isn't about this feeling of mine. I fear that if I tell her this feeling that she will pull away so hard that the friendship we have will be broken. I know in my head that this is a false fear. If she doesn't feel the same she will be quite kind about letting me know. But the voice in my heart is cruel and loud and controlling. It often wins these struggles and has been winning this one so far. But I know that because this feeling of love is a true one, it will find a way to come out. I just need to find the way to start. I know it will be hard to speak, but once I get started I hope the words will flow as easily as they do when I write. There is just something about hearing the words echo through the air that causes the inner voice of fear to get a grip. For now as I type the words flow even through I speak them in my head. My lips can not move without a great pain crushing my chest. I will find a way to let her know about this love I keep for her. And if she doesn't feel the same that will hurt but it will still be much better than carrying this heavy weight around in side and never knowing how she feels. I can no longer allow the fear inside control my life. I need to live and be free. The most hideous crime I could ever commit would be to keep this secret to the point where it is no longer possible to share. Now to figure out how to let her know.